oversleeping has wonked out my whole day

[noelleno]

This meme is just all over my flist and considering my desire to tl;dr, I can't ignore it!


o1. Introduce Yourself

My name is Laura Elyse Laurain, my first name is totally in my last name! I find it unfortunate my middle name wasn't something with an O, but I like Elyse just fine thanks. I have several nicknames: Lola, Laura-lyse, Laura-loo, Punkers, L/Elle, Fatty, Batgirl, Laur, Teapot-chan...For the most part, though, my immediate family calls me Lola and the internets calls me Elle.

I'm 23, and I actually had to stop and count it out to make sure that was true. :'| I always seem to think I'm a year older than I am, yet still look like I'm under 18. Makes sense, I'm sure.

I was born and raised here in Michigan, USA, and haven't moved around too much since second grade. My dad's brother lives next door, we live in the house my great aunts owned, and our neighbors live in the house my dad grew up in...The area's very embedded into my family's history. I have relatives a few houses down, and more scattered throughout. Everyone knows a Laurain in this and many of the surrounding areas. I was taught by a handful the same teachers that taught my Dad in elementary and high school! I thought it was annoying growing up, but I'm actually kind of proud of it. I'm part of a chain that's still going on with my distant cousins and such.

It's my dad's family I know and relate to because of that proximity. We're always together, we always know what's going on with someone, and there's gatherings at least twice a year (if not more). My mother's side is scattered, a lot of them being in the south, so I don't see them much or really know about them other than that there's a lot of hillbilly tendencies and lots of Presbyterians. It's a side of my heritage I can't really get behind, especially since the last funeral I've gone to on their side. It's just not something I've been raised to be used to.

I'm Catholic, raised that way, and it's been a really dynamic and volatile ride to get to the point I am with my beliefs. Day 9 covers this so I won't make your eyes glaze over or roll at my sentiments on this. I would note that lots of people seem really surprised when I say what I am, and...I feel ashamed that's so. I need to stop being so scared of judgment, and I need to stop being so judgmental myself. It's something I'm working on.

I've had arthritis since I was 3 or 4 years old, but I was in remission for a good long portion of my life. It flared back up when I turned 20 or 21, and I've been seeing a specialist ever since. It's not as bad as it was when it first set in, but walking and getting up can be really hard some days. I'm used to it, though. I can go about my day pretty content and not even thinking about it too much, and so long as the pain stays just in my knees, I'll be fine. I don't know what I'll do if it ever spreads, especially to my hands.

I worry a lot. I'm a worrier. Dad says I've been this way since I was little: things impact me, whether they're direct or indirect. I'd see something on TV and be upset for days. I was always quick to cry, and I kind of still am, though I've learned to rein it in. I've always been scared of being disliked or even hated, and I still am. I know I can't be everyone's best friend even if I tried, but it still hurts to know someone out there doesn't like me as I am. But that's just how things go, so I'm learning to stop letting it bother me.

My major problem is my big stupid mouth, I think. I can't even count all the embarrassing or awkward moments that have come because I'll say something dumb without thinking. Doubled onto my fear of being disliked and it's just...lol. I am ridiculous, but I'm learning to be better about it. The cynicism and mouthiness in high school and such can't fly anymore, so I want to be better than that.

I like to think I'm a good person, but I condemn myself a lot for this or that. I could have done this or not done that, I shouldn't have said this but that instead...I'm really hard on myself. It gets terrible sometimes, and I know I've exasperated a few of you with my woes before. I know it's okay to not be perfect and wonderful and gracious all the time, but I don't feel right unless I at least make the effort, you know? I shouldn't settle for anything less.

Especially since I feel like I'm settling for less than what I'd aspired to be as a professional. I've been drawing since I was little, drawing seriously since I was in 5th grade. It's what I do. I can't go a day without it, seems like. It only got more intense when we got the internet in the house and I met artists from all over the world. My judgements on myself got worse, too, as I compared my crap to the good stuff out there, haha. But it was still good to cultivate myself online with people. I've met some amazing artists that turned out to be lovely people and friends as well, so no regrets there.

At this point, though, I'm not sure I see myself being all that notable or successful as a creative. There's just too much out there and too many people doing it better. Sometimes it's hard for me to accept it, but sometimes it's...y'know. It's life. I can be happy without being on the rolling credits of such-and-such: the movie. I'd like to, but even if I don't, I should be okay. I think I'd like to be more notable as just being a good person rather than a good whatever-profession.

That said, I'm kind of really hard to motivate when I hit a wall. I usually just crumple and let things sit where they fall. It's not a good trait if I'm ever going to be independent. I get fired up for a while, but the fuel source expires and I burn out. It's not that I don't want to be successful, but...I don't know if I can stay hungry enough for it, see? Hrm.

That problem with passion plays out in relationships, too. My significant ones all ended relatively similar: it was always me not being into it enough. I'm not sure if that's really my fault or not, but if it is, I'm not sure how to change that. The first time I tried to twist myself into thinking it'd get better if I just went along, and the second time was more open and less deluded, but still starting to fall down the same path. It makes me think I'm not going to be capable of getting into a serious relationship, especially considering all the acceptable norms and expectations of "serious" nowadays. I date like I was in the dang 50s and that's not okay with anybody anymore, I guess.

I just like being in control of myself, but at the same time, I'd like some things to be taken care of for me. Things I'm too scared to try and handle on my own, considering all the botched paperwork that resulted in debts that fell on my parents to deal with. I can't bring myself to want to go out and do things all the time, and it's hard to explain my problems with people who want to help, because it just feels so stupid and trivial when I think about it enough. There are people in the world with bigger problems, and my friends tend to have a lot more to deal with than one more whiny girl. So most of it stays with me.

Change is coming slow. I'd rather like to spend all day stuck in my fantasy worlds, drawing and writing and such, but I can't pay car insurance with that. It's going to be hard to adjust, so I apologize already for what stupidity comes in the future from my lack of resilience. Hopefully I'll still be thought of as a good person, and not a sniveling do-nothing.

BUT ALL IN ALL, I have a good life. I've been blessed to have so much, and I really don't deserve any of it. I'm lucky to live where I live, with the family I have, having the friends I have...So lucky. So yeah, even if things aren't going to go the way I dreamed they would, I'll keep thinking positive. The thinking's gotta turn into doing eventually, I know. So I'll try. And hope I can find that something that keeps me going.

Day 01 - Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment

Comments

[radiocandy.livejournal.com]

you're so amazing.

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

I'd sayyyy
extra-ordinary without the extra, but a little extra ordinary.

ordin-ordinary

[radiocandy.livejournal.com]

no you're amazing idc what you say. the arthritis thing, how strong you are in your faith, all that jazz.

[thanoodles.livejournal.com]

I always feel a little stupid when I read these things and don't know what to say, but I wanted to let you know I have and will be readin' them.

So. Yep. dbhfbhsdb

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

OH GOOD I ALWAYS FEEL A LITTLE STUPID TRYING TO WRITE THEM COHERENTLY we are in agreement then

[thanoodles.livejournal.com]

sdbhbfdugfbdofiudfbh

[annalol.livejournal.com]

I WILL READ ALL OF THESE

i am finding a lot of similarities between us. like. how you get a lot of energy to do something but then it burns out fast. except that happens to me within, like, an hour. i want to live in my fantasy dream world where nothing gets done but i have a lot of ideas :(

i am also kinda old fashioned about dating but it's like... i don't want to date casually. if i'm dating someone i don't love i think it's pointless. lmao idk, i'm perfectly content with having friends for the rest of my life because i love some of my friends more than anyone i'd ever date rn.

hmm i kind of want to do this meme but idk what i'd write for some of them :U and i'd probably give up on it...

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

Ikr i have all these fun ideas i could do for fun and/or profit but when it gets to the DOING i'm kind of like *eyes glaze over so fast

me neither. i'm okay with hanging out and stuff but when things get too feely i'm like OKAY HAVE A GOOD NIGHT CHICAGO

do it
or don't do it


or both

[streetrat.livejournal.com]

THIS POST

[streetrat.livejournal.com]

LOL JK I READ IT ALL

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

[okura-chan.livejournal.com]

I like your middle name because it's close to my own. :)

I think you're awesome and no matter what happens for you, I hope that everything goes well and that you'll still be able to draw. Even if you don't think your drawings are that great, I love them and I love the character behind them. (I was gonna add something corny after that but nope)

I admire that you still keep up your faith.

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

You're very sweet :'|
Iafsd I always just type "thank you" to you all the time it's terrible I'm sorry my remarks have so little substance but i really do appreciate it

[tsunderes.livejournal.com]

I think the fact that you're religious is surprising to people because religion and ...fandom-y things don't often intersect. I wouldn't say they have a conflict, inherently, but depending on a lot of factors about your personal religion, people can easily find issue with fandom. I don't need to list any of those, since they're pretty obvious, but yeah.

I'll also admit that I was surprised when I found out/realized how religious you are, but I think it's admirable? I admire people who can have a religion and not be batshit fucking crazy about it (like most people in the South, sadly). But I also think it's uncommon in Internet circles for one of two reasons:

a) We're taught from a young age that the two things to not talk about in polite company are religion and politics, so it just doesn't come up.

b) As a personal observation, most people I've met on the Internet are either not at all religious (moi) or into the less...organized ones? Like Wicca, Buddhism, etc. I've met several people online who are religious, whether it be one of those, Christianity, Islam, or Hindu, to name the bigger ones.

So that's why it's surprising, in my opinion. It's not anything for you personally, and I really really doubt that anyone is being judgmental about it. Religion and fandom-y things just don't often intersect, so it's surprising when they do. Like for example, I met a partying frat guy who is into classical dance and is writing a steampunk novel. Same kind of surprise, but with different variables.

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

Yeah you're right on that. I've seen some of the shitstorms that comes from bringing up either of those topics on an open forum and I'm too damn afraid of that to ever be too vocal online. It's so hard to tell someone's tone through text and that just makes it worse a lot of the time and aklfmds nothx.

I still get irrationally worried about the judging though. :[ Someone outright laughed in my face when I said what I was and it kind of colored things for me. THANKS COLLEGE LOSERS THANKS A LOT. I'm not sure I'll really be too brave about these kinds of things anymore, but I know better than to assume everyone's going to give me the side-eye one way or the other.


I mean unless they do 8|

[lintwhite.livejournal.com]

Your last name is awesome. Just puttin' that out there.

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

i LOVE MY LAST NAME I'M KEEPIN IT FOREVER

[aymiah]

like you just the way you are anyway ♥

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

aw but i think there's plenty to improve on to be better

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

Steal away! I'll read. :]

If you ever feel like talking about things like that with someone on a similar wavelength, pm me anytime! I wouldn't mind it at all (it'd be nice, actually)

[xlovelylightx.livejournal.com]

At this point, though, I'm not sure I see myself being all that notable or successful as a creative. There's just too much out there and too many people doing it better. Sometimes it's hard for me to accept it, but sometimes it's...y'know. It's life. I can be happy without being on the rolling credits of such-and-such: the movie. I'd like to, but even if I don't, I should be okay. I think I'd like to be more notable as just being a good person rather than a good whatever-profession.

Ugh, I need to be more like this. Success, success, success is always on my mind. I feel good when I achieve what I want to achieve but I feel like I worry too much about school and becoming the next Stephen King or J.K Rowling, which makes it harder when I do fail.

I agree with tsunderes, I've been on the internet for a long time and I've never met anyone with much religious conviction (or had religious conviction but never really talked about it) through the internet before. I think it's great people use the internet to talk about real life stuff like that though, I mean, if you can't be yourself on the internet, then where can you be yourself?

So don't worry about it. As long as you don't make other people feel bad for being themselves, you shouldn't feel bad about yourself either.

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

Our culture is so oriented on being ~THE BESTEST EVER~ and ~YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY WITHOUT BEING #1~ and it's just not true. It's really not. Please remember it. There's happiness in a humble life--maybe moreso than those materialistic jetsetting ones.

Yeah but it's still a triggering concept that can get people defensive or even evasive of me, based on their own experiences and expectations on what it is to be religious. The media always shows off the horrible extremes that a person of faith can reach, and it really does cloud it over for everyone else. So, y'know. I'm just not the one who wants to hoot and then get slammed with a zillion accusations about this or that just because of what I identify as :\

[ladybrick.livejournal.com]

You have to be successful with that name. It's better than any pen name.

[noelleno.livejournal.com]

man i need to actually
do something to be successful :|